


I'll Be Happy, Still (But Always Love You)

by Le_Russian_Hamstr



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, But mor sweet than bitter, Dont worry i can write better than this, Except for smut, Goodbye, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I made both my favourite characters cry, Im tired, M/M, My writing got progressively worse, Phichit needs a lot of love, Phichuuri angst, Still pretty bitter though, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Yeesis, angsty, sorry - Freeform, what is this, whoops, why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 04:36:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11959860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Le_Russian_Hamstr/pseuds/Le_Russian_Hamstr
Summary: He didn't think Yuuri would forget. Yuuri wasn't one to do that. Or maybe he never forgot, he just moved on. Knew he made a mistake and tried to pretend it never happened. But how does someone " move on "? Phichit can't just do that. He'll always wear his optimistic, fun, self. But no one knows what really happens underneath all of his smiles. He can watch as his best friend, the love of his life gets married before his eyes, and he still keeps smiling. I can do this for them all.. I'll keep smiling for Yuuri... he would think.Oh... He guesses that he just has to acccept it. And he does.. No matter how much it hurts, he loves Yuuri in a way many will never know. Victor doesn't know, Yuuri's parent's don't, none of them know the way he loves Yuuri. And he'll always be there, standing in the shadow to protect Yuuri, to shield him from the world, no matter if Yuuri doesn't love him back..That’s what best friends do, he supposes.





	I'll Be Happy, Still (But Always Love You)

 

The snow was blowing across his vision. He could see his best friend, Katsuki Yuuri, his hands joined with his, now husband, Victor Nikiforov. They were beautiful-  _ he  _ was beautiful; snow fell gently against Yuuri’s pale skin and dark black hair creating a great contrast, a blinding smile etched across his face and soft dark eyes, twinkling delightedly.

_ “Yuuri!! Welcome homeee!” Phichit yelled as he ran to the door of their shared apartment, slipping slightly with socks on his feet. _

__ _ Soft, yet lean, arms caught him from running out the door. He stood up and threw his arms around Yuuri. Yuuri laughed softly and walked inside, Phichit still attached to him. _

__ _ Yuuri collapsed onto the couch, books falling out of his hands exhaustively out of his hands as he raised a delicate wrist to his forehead. _

_ “Phichit! I am no longer able to function properly! Save yourself!” Yuuri cried out over-dramatically. Phichit chuckled lightly and threw himself down over Yuuri, an arm stretched over Yuuri’s stomach as Phichit turned to face him. _

_ “My dear Yuuri! You will never be alone as long as I am here,” Phichit replied, equally as dramatic. _

_ Yuuri laughed lightheartedly as he turned to face Phichit, his face covered slightly from the blanket he fell onto. Phichit pushed it down, smiling, before he instantly wished he didn’t. _

 

He heard a distant clang of a tower, signaling midnight. As he had drove here, he couldn’t come to a conclusion as to why Yuuri and Victor decided to get married so late. Now he saw it. The snow falling down mellowly, the pitch black sky with baby stars illuminating it, the glow of light around everyone. It was actually quite ethereal.

He could here music spill quietly from a hidden radio. He looked around, looked at the frozen lake they were in front of, looked at all his fellow skaters, looked at the families, looked at Victor and Yuuri.

He crept up behind Yuuri and tackled him in a hug, kept that constant smile, the one that could be fake sometimes, plastered on his face. For Yuuri.

He could do that, for Yuuri.

 

_ Phichit could feel his own face heat up and he jumped up off the couch, dusting off his clothes nervously, though there was a significant lack of dust on them. _

_ “W-well, ha ha, uhm, what should we have for dinner?” Phichit asked, scolding himself internally for the tremor in his voice. _

_ Yuuri got up and flounced into their kitchen, throwing a look behind him to Phichit that Phichit couldn’t decipher for the life of him. _

_ “I don’t know, what are you in the mood for?” Yuuri asked him as he slipped on an apron, and read something on a sticky note.  _

_ (Probably a note he left himself this morning.) _

_ Phichit shrugged. This was always something with them; never being able to decide on what to eat for dinner. Sometimes they ended up just eating takeout, sometimes they didn’t eat because they weren’t hungry and they would just lean against each other on the couch,binge watching T.V and slipping into sleep silently without notice, both of them curled up around each other. _

_ Yuuri smiled up at him, and waved the little sticky note slightly as he put a hand on his hip. _

_ “Phat tai?” _

 

“A-ah! Wh- Oh! Phichi-!” Yuuri started. He didn’t get very far.

“Congratulations! I knew those rings where a promised marriage.” He teased. It hurt slightly when he saw them the first time, but he just disregarded it as left over unneeded emotion. He knew Yuuri would move on. That he would find someone else. Because Phichit was just… Phichit. Not someone amazing or important like Victor. He wasn’t an amazing skater or anything, besides he was supposed to be Yuuri’s best  _ friend _ . So he himself was surprised years ago when Yuuri never left after The Thing happened. 

(The Thing. Capital ‘T’. He couldn’t even get himself to say it)

But Yuuri was like that. He could look past all the faults, looks past all of someone's flaws to find the perfect person underneath it all. He always saw someone as their best form and once he loved someone, he loved them, all flaws and perfections.

 

_ Phichit’s eyes glowed at that suggestion. _

_ “Yayyyyyy!!!!!” he yelled as he dove into the kitchen and plucked the sticky note out of Yuuri’s fingers as he turned to the fridge to look at what they had. _

_ “I thought you would like it,” Yuuri said as he pulled out some ingredients and shut the fridge with his foot. Phichit looked up from the sticky note after reading what it said (“Make Phichit Phat Tai (`o`)”).  _

_ Phichit felts his face heat up slightly for now actual good reason. “Really? That’s uh-uhm nice of you?” he tried. _

__

“Ha ha. Thanks, Phichit. I’m so happy you could come. I honestly wasn’t sure you would or could.” Yuuri said, murmuring the last part timidly. His eyes were bright with a timid feeling of joy and he wanted to stay there forever and explore the dark depths of them.

He snapped out of his thoughts.

“I would never miss my best friend’s wedding even if it killed me! Yuuri, you should know I would never miss it!” he snickered good naturedly, taking Yuuri’s hand into his own. Yuuri looked at him for a split second with an unreadable expression before breaking into an  **_absolutely breathtaking smile._ **

 

_ Yuuri began breaking apart bean sprouts as the noodles soaked in slowly bubbling water. It was so domestic compared to their daily lives that it made Phichit’s stomach clench and a shiver got sent up his back. _

__ _ Without Yuuri looking at him, Phichit had time to appreciate him. Like  _ _ every part of Yuuri. _ _ His dark hair curling gently at the base of his neck (Don’t cut your hair, Yuuri, pls, it’s adorable like this). The natural pink tint on his cheeks and his dark brown eyes that if you looked hard enough, you could see speckled grains of light brown and the shade of a color that seemed almost like dark green.  _

__ _ Phichit had no idea how he became so blessed to have Yuuri enter his life with his sweet laughter and lovely personality. His determination and love enveloped Phichit all the time. They had seen each other at their best and worsts and emerged stronger than he’d ever seen any two people get. _

__ _ He felt like they could never get separated. _

__ _ Never. _

He could hear the music start up again (when did it stop?) and he didn’t think. He didn’t think about what he was doing, didn’t when he grabbed Yuuri’s other hand and pulled him into his arms.

“Over my dead body if you go and dance with your husband right now, you’ll have all night for him, it’s my turn right now,” he half whispered half said light heartedly. He could feel Yuuri shiver ever so slightly at the proximity.

But then it was gone, Yuuri was looking up at at him with a lopsided smile, grabbing his hands and pulling him along.

“Alright, alright, Phichit, you have me for the next couple minutes, let’s go dance,” Yuuri snickered, yes,  snickered.

 

__ _ Phichits’ eyes had gone glassy, unfocused, he really was basically staring off into space. Yuuri turned around with a container of cooked noodles to find Phichit standing by absently, staring at him, but at the same time, really not. _

__ _ “Hey, you okay?” he asked, setting down the container of pad thai noodles on the counter and taking Phichit by the arms to go sit on their couch. _

__ _ (He was always so gentle and caring for everyone. Phichit didn’t know how this was even possible) _

 

__ That shiver made him remember. Oh, how it made him remember what he wish he could forget. What he wishes they could both forget.

Well..

Maybe Yuuri already forgot…

He never mentioned it again. Ever again. He acted the same after it happened. But, then again, Yuuri was just like that.

Kind enough to let past things go and to look on and see the beauty and kindness in someone.

Someone like himself didn’t deserve that, he could barely take it and swallow. But he would always smile for Yuuri, he would keep going and try to always look positive.

Because that was what was needed.

  
  


__ _ Yuuri brushed his fingers over Phichit’s bangs to see his eyes more clearly, proceeding to put a hand on his forehead. _

__ _ “You feel fine, hey, Phichit, are you okay?” Yuuri repeated, the worry in his tone growing. _

__ _ It was then that Phichit snapped out of his trance, snapped himself out of all of it. It was, like, illegal to make Yuuri worry. _

__ _ “Ah, sorry, I just, uhm, zoned out,” Phichit part murmured part said a little too loudly with a half-baked smile. _

__ **_Crap,_ ** _ he thought, already seeing Yuuri’s eyes narrow, his hands on his hips with head cocked to the right. _

__ _ “Phichit Chulanont, you will tell me what is the u- wait.. I said that sentence wrong,” Yuuri broke off mid sentence with a slightly confused face, his face splitting into a little grin when he realized what he had said wrong. _

_ Phichit looked at his face and literally, who could hold themselves back? A smiling, happy, healthy, Yuuri. Laughing. The one that could make it seem like there are a thousand suns before you, and yet you could never get sunburned. _

_ Did you mean absolutely perfect? _

_ (Yes, of course, what do you mean that as a question) _

_ He grabbed Yuuri’s arms, and before he could actually  _ **_process_ ** _ what he was doing and  _ **_thinkkk_ ** _. _

_ He pulled them together and kissed him. _

_ And that should’ve been that.  _

 

He thought he got over it. He thought he would have gotten over it. He thought he could get over it. He wished he got over it. 

He didn’t get over it.

 

_ But that was just not so _

 

But that was just not so.

 

_ He broke off from Yuuri after the first 5 seconds because  _ **_THAT’S_ ** _ when he realized what he did. He realized when it might already be too late. When he couldn’t come up with an excuse. And you know what he had to say for it? _

_ “Shit” _

_ Yeah… shit. _

_ “I- I’m sorry, Yuuri it was an accident, I didn’t mean to do that, I know you c-can’t possibl-”, what was he saying? His voice was shaky and he felt himself go glassy eyed. Maybe this was what it felt to have a panic attack. If it was, he would give Yuuri candy and fancy dinners forever and then some for having to deal with this absolute  _ **_garbage_ ** _ of a feeling. _

_ That is, if Phichit survives this situation. _

_ Phichit tried to slip his hands out from Yuuri’s, but a firm clench of the latter's own pair made him stop and look up warily into his eyes. _

_ “Yuur-?” _

_ Yuuri lifted his head to look at Phichit and he was faced with a smiley face and little crystal tears trailing down his face. _

_ “It’s okay, Phichit, it’s okay,” Yuuri said. _

_ And then HE was the one who was pulled over to have his lips met by his best friend. _

 

Yuuri kneeled down in front of a table, his hands fumbling around under it to pull out two pairs of skates. He raised an eyebrow in question. Since when did people keep skates under a table?

Yuuri smirked and raised the tablecloth and he soon saw that there were multiple pairs of skates under the table, each with tags pasted onto the back with everyone’s name.

“Ah, I see. So I get to do a lovely improv duet with the famous Katsuki Yuuri?” he said with a tone of mockness. 

“Yes, absolutely,” Yuuri said, completely serious despite the creeping smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

They both slipped their skates on as Victor slinked over to them. Yuuri stood up to look at him and say something Phichit couldn’t hear, but the look of unmasked adoration was there and a feeling of bittersweetness enveloped him.

Yuuri would always have the highest place in his heart, no matter what would happen. Phichit would move on someday from the heartache, he would, but until then, he wanted to see Yuuri happy.

And if Yuuri was happiest with Victor at his side..

Who was he to argue?

 

_ Phichit could feel himself trying to process it. _

_ Trying to comprehend. _

_ What the  _ _ hell?? _

_ It ended so soon, Phichit asked himself for a moment if it even happened. Something in his expression must’ve triggered the instant anxiety in Yuuri, for the words he heard next were: _

_ “Wait, did I interpret that wrong? Wait, I-,” Yuuri didn’t get to finish. Phichit was pushing him down and to be honest, Phichit didn’t know if this was going to far. _

_ Didn’t know if they could come back from this _

_ Could they? _

_ It was something that passed through his head as he came down to straddle Yuuri’s legs. He looked down at the black hair beauty beneath him and was slightly surprised to see big brown eyes with a yearn-like gleam in them. _

_ Phichit closed his eyes and traced Yuuri’s cheek with his fingers and placed their foreheads together. He opened his eyes and lifted his head slightly to place their lips together.  _

_ For this moment, his whole world was just Yuuri. His smile, his laugh, his eyes, his lips, his love.  _

  
  


He stood up, with his skates now on and lowered a hand to Yuuri, who had just finished. Yuuri took it without a second thought and led Phichit by the hand, humming, past the other guests and greeting them, to the frozen lake at the middle of the gathering. 

A small forest of naked trees surrounded the lake in a semi-circle with flakes of white dotting their branches. White lights were hung up loosely on the branches of said trees, some of them even thrown across the gap of the lake to the trees opposite from them. A snow covered gazebo had been constructed directly in front of the entire scene, serving as the place where Yuuri and Victor took their vows and such. It was truly a beautiful scene for a wedding.

 

_ It was all that was there. _

 

As he turned around and stepped backwards onto the ice, he took Yuuri’s hand carefully into his, as if it would break with any wrong movements, and intertwined their fingers and he pushed off, leading Yuuri across the ice.

Another song began to play gently, enveloping the whole place with the strong piano and light, yet emotional violin entering.

They reached the middle and pushed off from each other ever so lightly, it being all the force they needed to be separated and get pushed to each side of the lake. It would be improv, but the amount of times both he and Yuuri had done improv programs for practice back in Detroit, he knew they would be able to do it.

 

_ Phichit lowered himself down slowly to take Yuuri’s wrists and raised them above his head and pushed down lightly to keep them in place with one hand. _

_ There was really no going back from this if he did it. _

_ Should he do it? Did he even really want to do this? _

_ No _

_ (Yes) _

_ Phichit could feel himself trembling, whether from unadulterated anticipation or the fear of his actions reaping horrendous consequences, he didn’t know. _

_ Phichit could feel Yuuri’s hands slip out from the grasp of his one (did he really loosen it that much?) and trace the sides of his face, smoothing out the worry in Phichit’s eyebrow. _

_ “Phichit, you know, it’s okay. You’re my best friend, I love you, you know that right. Nothing would ever stop me from loving everything about you,” murmured Yuuri as he sat up, Phichit in front of him, whose glassy eyes softened and looked at Yuuri’s graceful frame in front of him. _

_ And then he could feel a feeling of overwhelming jealousy at  _ _ something.  _ _ The desire to violate him, to make sure the world knew that he got here first, even if they were “just friends”. _

__ _ Phichit situated himself in Yuuri’s lap in a mutually comfortable position as he reached up to tug and the midnight locks in a way that left no question. Yuuri tilted his head back impulsively and Phichit could feel a tremor resonate throughout Yuuri’s body. _

__ _ Phichit paused before he let his fingers ghost over Yuuri’s lips, quickly followed by his lips breathing short breaths right above Yuuri’s. Yuuri audibly whimpered, actually whimpered. _

__ _ This was new _

 

__ As the piano and violin intensified ever so slightly, Phichit and Yuuri glided over the ice, always facing each other, for there truly was no one else at that moment but each other. They joined hands at the middle once again, their arms and hands flew through the airs solemnly, the music speaking volumes of a topic that never arose.

Something left behind and forgotten, forgotten to the years as an old book is left on a shelf to capture dust.

As they continued on, Phichit placed his hand on Yuuri’s waist as the piano seemed to slow and play by itself. They pivoted and as theirs legs moved on autopilot, both of them lifting one leg at the same time and looking backwards, Phichit felt himself overcome with everything. It was his time to let it all go.

Release all the wishing and thinking, the hoping and denial. Face the facts. And the truth was.

He could be happy still. Because he would always love Yuuri, in a way no one else knew.

Push away and arm lift to the heavens.

 

_ Phichit tentatively kissed Yuuri, and it was slow and held back. He slipped an arm around Yuuri’s back to help him push Yuuri back down. He pinned back Yuuri’s wrists again, now conscious of whether or not he was loosening his grip or not.  _

__ _ If Phichit was being entirely honest, he had never actually had never done this before. Really. He didn’t want to do anything unpleasurable to Yuuri or himself, but the look on Yuuri’s face right then was enough for anyone to loose themselves. _

__ _ He brushed their lips together, breathe mixing and causing Phichit to feel dizzy from a bit of an arousal  _ _ down there.  _ _ Yuuri raised his head slightly to slot their lips together before Phichit even processed it.  _

__ _ A feeling like.. Like…  _ **_electricity,_ ** _ flew through his body. Phichit always felt like those romance novels he’d seen were overrated, but really and truly, they had gotten the sensation spot on. _

__ _ He ran his hands over wherever he could, intent on memorizing it all, memorizing every curve and jut of Yuuri’s body, his expression while like this, because there  _ **_may not be another chance to._ **

**** _ There may not be another chance to. _

 

__ They rounded each opposite side of the lake, going a full rotation before joining back up again, not mattering where they were.

They just… joined hands again.

When the piano slowed to a solemn solo, Yuuri twisted around to face him as they skated daintly around. Yuuri put a hand on his face as he fell into a lunge, one hand in Yuuri’s, the other free.

When he came back up, it was without realizing tears trailing down his face. Yuuri placed his forehead to his as he lifted Yuuri to the air slowly and brought him back down.

But they weren’t unhappy tears he shed, no, not completely. 

They twisted to allow Yuuri to raise his left leg behind him into a type of spiral. They separated again.

He cried because he finally relieved himself of the pain and hoping he held on for so long. He held on because part of him always thought they could be one, Yuuri could love him in the way he loved Yuuri.

But that wasn’t so, and it was okay. Truly, it was. Because Yuuri was  _ happy  _ like this, and that was all that mattered. He would always love Yuuri in a way no one else could understand.

Though the pain would never be completely leave, he thought as they crossed their arms and joined hands again, spinning together. That pain was something that wasn’t meant to leave, he would never feel the same way to anyone as he did for Yuuri. First love is never repeated.

It just wasn’t.

They each fell into lunges.

 

_ He bit lightly into Yuuri’s lip, already receiving a shiver and light whimper. Phichit tugged lightly on the dark hair at the nape of Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri raised his head backwards, giving the passage to explore his neck. _

__ _ He knows he spoke of a healthy, happy Yuuri being a good Yuuri… but a Yuuri shivering and squirming underneath him was also very much appreciated if he was being honest.  _

_ Phichit kissed Yuuri’s neck sensually, going over it ever so slowly, earning the sudden feeling of Yuuri’s hips buckling underneath him; he couldn’t help but smirk into his neck. _

_ God really, what was he doing?  _

_ (Man, I dunno, but you’ll deal with it later) _

_ “You tease,” a breathless Yuuri choked out from under him. Phichit cocked his head to the side and lifted his head to catch Yuuri’s lips in a dance with his. There were teeth nipping at him gently and he himself couldn't help but moan lightly, but he kept his lips firmly shut. There was a small sound of annoyance on Yuuri’s part and  _ that’s  _ when Phichit snuck his tongue past the other’s lips. _

_ And it was like everything exploded in color _

_ (I literally swear) _

_ Yuuri fought for the dominant end of this kiss, Phichit einning in the end though. _

_ He couldn’t help but feel like Yuuri went a little easy on him. _

_ Their lips locked in a dance, Phichit couldn’t help the fingers that poked and tugged lightly at the hem of Yuuri’s shirt. He sat back on his own calves and slipped off the man’s top, exposing a pale, fit, torso to the dimming light of their half of the world. The rising moon bounced light off of Yuuri body, creating a sort of ethereal glow. He let go of Yuuri’s hand and before he actually processed it, there were pale hands grasping at his own shirt and pulled it off in one clean swipe. _

_ Now both shirtless, Phichit pulled Yuuri up to sit in front of him, the man’s legs still trapped under Phichit, but Phichit was making sure he wasn’t leaving all his weight on Yuuri’s feet so they wouldn’t lose circulation. He latched his lips onto Yuuri’s chest, moving down and up as slowly as he himself could take. _

_ And, well, the rest was left to history. _

 

He caught Yuuri’s hand in his,sweeping him up in front of him as their foreheads touched. The violin could be heard in the background with the piano accompaniment (beautiful instruments, really). He refused to let himself stay in the ever flowing emotions of pain and brokenness.

The Song of the Heart. That was the song. The song that they skated to, what he was always listening to, and someone else had found their way into Yuuri’s heart.

 

_ It was half past 11 o’clock, dinner long forgotten, clothes left on the floor, undone. Two bodies, curled up in one another, one with a rising and falling chest, the other alert and aware.    _

_ Phichit shifted slightly and let out a tense sigh as he ran a hand through his hair. The black haired man next to him shifted and Phichit could hear the change in his breathing pattern as he entered light sleep state and wakefulness. He lifted his head to look at Phichit groggily and give him a shaky smile. _

_ “Hey, you okay?” he asks. Phichit ran his fingers through Yuuri’s hair, exposing a light purple mark on his collar bone. Phichit internally winced. What did he do? Hadn't stopped to make sure, any of it was okay. He ignored it all just so he could release all he felt, let the world know the twists and turns inside of him and what it did to him. He looked over at Yuuri’s tired and yet warm eyes and couldn’t help the small trickle of guilt that flowed through him steadily. Like Catholic guilt. _

_ Phichit hugged Yuuri’s willowy frame close to his chest and nodded into his hair and let out a half-hearted laugh for good measure.  _

_ “I’m fine, Yuuri. Go back to sleep, I’m just thinking about things,” Phichit said, feeling a pair of arms wrap around his own torso. _

 

As the song and their improv came to a steady end,they skated around the others who skated by idly watching them and yet not paying too much attention.

When the last note on the piano was played, Yuuri wrapped his arms around Phichit’s shoulders and leaned into him. He ran his fingers through Yuuri’s hair gently, taking half made knots out of it.

A distant mumble from his neck where Yuuri was.

“Hm?” He grunted, trying to look down at Yuuri’s face that was completely hidden.

Yuuri raised his head, his gaze wavering and shaking. 

“I.. I’m-

 

_ “I’m sorry, Yuuri,” whispered Phichit into the mop of thick black hair on top of his head. He didn’t know if Yuuri heard him, didn’t know if Yuuri was asleep. But he said it. Said it because someone, anyone, the world at least, needed to know he was.He was sorry. _

_ “I’m sorry,” he repeated. _

 

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri murmured loud enough for Phichit to hear. He felt a slightly startled look pass over his face before he shook his head lightly and laughed.

He cupped Yuuri’s cheek delicately and took him into his arms.

And he just hugged him.

“It’s okay,” was all he said. And smiled.

And when he pulled away to see Yuuri smiling back up at him with shining brown eyes and his lovely laughter bubbling up, that’s all that mattered.

All Phichit needed to hear.  

  
  


__

  
  


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**Author's Note:**

> Gods, im so sorry, i made a depressed Phichit
> 
> Yeesis
> 
> Uhm... The song Phichit and Yuuri skated to is named The Song of the Heart (instruemental)
> 
> This is literally horrible, im sorry those of you who read this. Especially with my sad attempt at smut and then just puting a lame excuse for a time skip
> 
> Im sorry


End file.
